A Not So Clever Soap
by Fallin-Alone-Scared-Lost
Summary: Oh Poor Mello, all he wanted was info on Kira, not his own daytime soap. MattxMello MattxNear LightxMello Beyond Birthday and Misa are here too. The Drama, the crack, the violence, the love? Come inside for the drama and humor!
1. Mello VS Near

Mello VS Near

by ~cherrywolf99

I DO NOT OWN DEATH NOTE

I don't have the beginning of the convo, sorry

Mello: ...

Near: Why answer a question with a question?

Mello: There was no question.

Near: Yes, there was.

Mello: Where is Matt?

Near: With peach.

Mello: Peach, from that video game?

Near: Yes.

Mello: He left me for a woman from a video game?

Near: That's awful.

Mello: Yes it is. How do you know where he is?

Near: I recognise your accent.

Mello: What!

Near: I'm a human, I know I think, can't be sure that you do though.

Mello: Shut up Near!

Near: Don't tell me what to do then.

Mello: I didn't tell you what to do.

Near: Or did you?

Mello: I didn't I would know if I did.

Near: You did.

Mello: No, no I didn't.

Near: Yes you did.

Mello: Go eat your legos.

Near: No. You go eat your face.

Mello: Is that a remark about my burn scar?

Near: I don't know, google it.

Mello: At least I don't still play with toys.

Near: You don't think. You just tinker with my heartstrings.

Mello: Near, you are emotionless, how can I tinker with your heart stings?

Near: Yes.

Mello: So you agree?

Near: No.

Mello: I'm with Matt, deal with it.

Near: Have you ever had a hissy fit?

Mello: How dare you.

Near: No, how dare you!

Mello: Halle likes me better than you!

Near: She is an actress not an actor.

Mello: Are you saying she fakes liking me?

Near: No, but you are a bit stupid.

Mello: You! I am better than you Near! I'll catch Kira. Then I will show you who is stupid.

Near: Have a nice day. I willl catch up with you later.

Mello: I know where the SPK is Near, you can't just disappear.

Near: No its not but thats very clever!

Mello: Yes it is, you moved to Japan.

Near: I didn't move. I've been in Canada my whole life.

Mello: We grew up together in England Near.

Near: I'm not in England, but I want to be.

Mello: That's because you are in Japan.

Near: Well then, no need to insult me!

Mello: How is that an insult?

Near: It wasn't an insult.

Mello: Whatever sheep boy.

Near: Do you have a girlfriend?

Mello: I have Matt.

Near: That's not cool. That's cheating. Cheating is bad.

Mello: How is that cheating?

Near: Because if I told you the answer, you wouldn't be proving it by yourself.

Mello: I didn't ask for help with the Kira case.

Near: I know.

Mello: Then why did you say that. You know I left to prove myself.

Near: You know I know you know.

Mello: I'm not giving you any information on Kira.

Near: Why not?

Mello: Because, unlike you, I work to find my information.

Near: Thats cool. I'm into acting I would love to be an actress one day.

Mello: I never knew that about you 0.o.

Near: There's a lot of things you don't know about me.

Mello: I don't want to know about you.

Near: I told you my name earlier. What was it?

Mello: Nate River.

Near: What do you like about him?

Mello: I don't like you.

Near: You just said you did, though.

Mello: I NEVER said that!

Near: You did so!

Mello: I said I like Matt Not you!

Near: Thats nice but my name is not douglas. Why did you call me that?

Mello: WTF o.0 Did you really eat your legos?

Near: K I'm jake.

Mello:...Lies!

Near: No, you are the liar!

Mello: The gun in my pants says otherwise.

Near: Well don't say something that has nothing to do with the topic out of the blue.

Mello: Near, I am going to go find Matt now.

Near: No you are not we are going to talk about star wars!

Mello: No! I am going to go find Matt.

Near: Ok, that should give me enough time to cook and eat all of the pets in your house.

Mello: What?

Near: You aren't behaving smart.

Mello: And You're behaving like Beyond Birthday!

Near: And you're being someone that is named Prudence.

Mello: I am not a prude!

Near: Yes you are!

Mello: Bite me Near!

Near: Where shall I bite you?

Mello: Do you want me or something?

Near: Like what?

Mello: Like in a dirty way?

Near: You're making no sense.

Mello: Near, Stop eating toys, they are messing with your head. I am going to go find Matt now, so sod off.

Near: Why did you write 'head' in capital letters?

Mello: Bye Near...

Near: Not mars?

Mello: Leaving now.

Near: Yes.


	2. Mello And Matt

Mello and Matt

by ~cherrywolf99

I DO NOT OWN DEATH NOTE OR ANY PART OF IT.

Mello: Matt!

Matt: Yes, matt.

Mello: Near said you left me for Princess Peach.

Matt: Crazy.

Mello: So you're not leaving me?

Matt: No (:¨.

Mello: I knew Near was just being a jerk.

Matt: Gasp! How did you know?

Mello: Don't be a smartass Matt.

Matt: I just said i'm not a girl.

Mello: Matt, I know you are a boy.

Matt: No I am a girl.

Mello: Matt! I order you to stop being gender confused, that is my job.

Matt: Well you're not very good at it. In fact you're not very good at anything as far as I can see.

Mello: Matt, how can you say that to me?

Matt: I can say something else.

Mello: Matt, Just say what you really mean.

Matt: I want to ask you if you are pro-choice or anti-choice.

Mello: What does that have to do with us?

Matt: I don't understand.

Mello:I don't understand you either. How do you really feel about me?

Matt: I like you more and more each day.

Mello: Then how could you say I wasn't good at anything?

Matt: I don't like you anymore.

Mello: So, you're breaking up with me?

Matt: Yes.

Mello: You jerk. Are you leaving me for Near?

Matt: Yes.

Mello: So, you're like everyone else, and think he is so much better then me?

Matt: How am I like you?

Mello: So, you're saying you're more like him?

Matt; Yes that is what I am saying.

Mello: So, You are just going to throw away all those years we had together?

Matt: I'm pretty fine with you, actually. I think you're cool.

Mello: But, you're still leaving me?

Matt: Yes, yes I am.

Mello: Is this where you say let's just be friends?

Matt: I'm down with that.

Mello: Well I'm NOT. How could you leave me for him?

Matt: I am not in love with you.

Mello: So everything we had was a lie?

Matt: That must have been a rude awakening.

Mello: So, you never cared for me at all?

Matt: You're not worth it.

Mello:Mattt? HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT?

Matt:You confuse me!

Mello: It was never my intention to.

Matt: But you just said it was a great literary classic.

Mello:What are you talking about?

Matt: What are -you- talking about?

Mello: I'm talking about why you are breaking up with me.

Matt: Oh its cause i'm bored. What would you like to talk about?

Mello: You're bored of me?

Matt: Not at all, my sister and her husband are going to be here soon.

Mello: Matt, you don't have a sister.

Matt: Yes I do.

Mello: No, you don't, None of us from Wammy's have any family.

Matt: You havent asked me a question.

Mello: Have you already packed your things?

Matt: You're still avoiding my question

Mello: WHAT QUESTION?

Matt: I asked about the girl you feel attracted to.

Mello: I don't feel attracted to a girl, I am attracted to YOU. Did Near tell you this?

Matt: I didn't say that he died. I said he twitched.

Mello: STOP, stop playing video games and talk to me!

Matt: I'm at work, not playing video games.

Mello: Are you also working for Near Now?

Matt: What is that?

Mello: Don't play dumb with me.

Matt: Are you calling me dumb?

Mello: You think Near is better then me, so maybe yes I am.

Matt: You think you are, when really you are not?

Mello: Matt, is there nothing that can change your mind?

Matt: My mind is intractable as my will is ineluctable and my judgement infallible.

Mello: So, Nothing I can say will keep you with me. Fine then, go to Near! See if I care!

Matt: It's sad you can't remember me.

Mello: I do remember you.

Matt: Really? What did we talk about?

Mello: You leaving me for Near.

Matt: I don't wish to but I must... I need the down time.

Mello: You don't want to? But you are?

Matt: Well I don't want you to know ALL of who I am.

Mello: .

Matt: What are you thinking about?

Mello: I know you, better then anyone else, I know your real name. We've been though so much, and yet you pick Near over me. What do you think I am thinking about?

Matt: No we haven't. But if you say so! What are we talking about?

Mello: Matt, yes we have. I am going to prove to Near that I am better than him. Then I am going to prove it to you.

Matt: Because you're boring.

Mello: Matt, just get your things and leave.

Matt: What am I thinking about?

Mello: Stupid Near!

Matt: More like you.

Mello: Matt! Just get lost!

Matt: I don't wanna.

Mello: It's my place, if you're breaking up with me and working for Near, you are not going to live with me.

Matt: WTH? You do realise me and you are not a couple! Just because I talk to you doesn't mean I'm in a relationship with you!

Mello: It used to be just me and you against the world, now you're saying we were never a couple? You said you'd always stay at my side!

Matt: You know who I'm?

Mello: Who you're what?

Matt: A human.

Mello: Yes Matt, and I'm a human too, with human emotions, unlike Near!

Matt: I'm not a human... I'm a manga lover.

Mello:Matt, have you packed you're things are not?

Matt: Yes. Ready.

Mello: Then leave already!

Matt: No.

Mello:You can't stay here, You left me, remember.

Matt:No, not now.

Mello: Then when are you leaving?

Matt: Never.

Mello: You can't live here and be with Near!

Matt: Yes I can

Mello: It's my place, no you can not!

Matt: I can indeed. I have magic hands.

Mello: Matt, don't make me shoot you.

Matt: Lie about what?

Mello: Matt, just be gone when I get back.

Matt: When will you be back?

Mello:In two hours.

Matt: Ohhhh so you're not leaving me?

Mello: You're the one leaving me.

Matt: No, I'm telling you to enjoy your fungus bacon.

Mello: Goodbye Matt.

Matt: Why are you saying goodbye?

Mello: You've left me for Near, I don't want to talk to you anymore.

Matt: I am not lying.

Mello: I know Matty, goodbye.


	3. Mello And Light

Mello and Light

by ~cherrywolf99

I DO NOT OWN DEATH NOTE OR ANY PART OF IT.

Mello: Light, this is Mello, I need to talk to you.

Light: What is it that you need to talk to me about?

Mello: I want Near dead.

Light: Why is that?

Mello: He is evil.

Light: Do you have any questions?

Mello: If I give you his real name and photo will you write it in your Death Note?

Light: Yes.

Mello: His real name is Nate River.

Light: Why are you telling me this?

Mello: Because he took everything from me.

Light: And 'he' would be who?

Mello: Near, N, Nate River, what ever you wish to cal him.

Light: Well I want to do what ever you want to do. So you should choose something to do.

Mello: Taking out Near would be nice.

Light: What would be nice?

Mello: I'll join you if you do this.

Light: Why do you dress up like a cowboy?

Mello: 'Cause Matt used to like it.

Light: Do you go to school?

Mello: Not anymore, you already know this.

Light:Yep! 'cause I'm smarticle like that.

Mello: Yes you are. What will it take for you to do this for me?

Light:I need to know you better.

Mello: Well, what do you need to know? Ask me?

Light: Do you know how to change a diaper?

Mello: Not really.

Light: Then, you don't know everything I know.

Mello: I guess I don't.

Light: Of course you don't.

Mello: Yes, because I am just a dumb Wammy brat, any other questions?

Light: Maybe I don't want to think right now.

Mello: Light, please.

Light: Survival is ok.

Mello: SO you'll write Near's name down and let me live?

Light: Thats right my master.

Mello: I am the master of Kira?

Light: Of everything.

Mello: Take that Near!

Light Ok.

Mello: Then write his name down.

Light: There once was a young ballerina who joined an established ballet company and became the lead dancer in a ballet called 'The Red Shoes', based on the fairy tale.

Mello: Is that how he dies?

Light:Yes.

Mello: I like it!

Light: Would you change your name.

Mello: Since you know what it is, yes.

Light:Yes.

Mello: Glad you agree. Have you done your job yet?

Light: I ran in the rain at recess.

Mello: I don't care, did you or did you not do your job?

Light: I did not.

Mello: Do your job.

Light:I don't have a job.

Mello: Did you do what I asked?

Light:I don't think you asked me a question.

Mello: Don't push your master.

Light: Luck had nothing to do with it.

Mello: I'm just the best, I know.

Light: Beyonce or Britney?

Mello: Write Britney's name after you write Near's.

Light: Who is RaikDDrux?

Mello: I don't know. Write Near's name down, okay.

Light: What is funny.

Mello: Writing down Near's name, so you should do it.

Light: Oooooo touchy are we?

Mello: Yes.

Light: Okayy then.

Mello: So did you do it?

Light: Of course.

Mello: Thank you.

Light:You're always welcome.

Mello: Do you love me?

Light: Yes.

Mello: Will you ever leave me?

Light: Of course not.

Mello: Someone else said they loved me and would never leave, they lied.

Light: You're interesting - you said.

Mello: Yes, You are interesting.

Light: What day was I born?

Mello: You were born on FEB 28th 1986.

Light: I was not.

Mello: Light, don't try to lie to me.

Light: I wasn't even lying.

Mello: Light, just don't leave me, okay?

Light: No.

Mello: No what?

Light: I don't know.

Mello: That's okay.

Light: I really like him though.

Mello: Who? me?

Light: Yes.

Mello: That is a good thing to know.

Light: Yes, all my friends think it is funny.

Mello: You don't need them anyway, you have me now.

Light: Yeah, you're right. He didn't deserve me.

Mello: And Matt didn't deserve me either.

Light: I have heard of him but you haven't.

Mello:Who?

Light: I couldn't put a name to them.

Mello: Oh, I understand.

Light: Do you make them.

Mello: Make what?

Light: This is a chat site.

Mello: No it's not Light. I am sorry Light but I must go for now, I will return.

Light: Oh alright. Have fun.

Mello: Good night Light.

Light: Night night lover.


	4. Mello And Matt 2

Mello and Matt

by ~cherrywolf99

I DO NOT OWN DEATH NOTE OR ANY PART OF IT.

Mello: Matt, This is Mello.

Matt: What is your name?

Mello: Mello.

Matt: Pello.

Mello: Don't start with me Matt.

Matt: I'm a girl!

Mello: Yes, yes, you said that in part one.

Matt: No I dIdn't!

Mello:Near is dead by the way, Kira killed him.

Matt: What if I told you God never existed in the first place.

Mello: I tell you your new boyfriend is dead and you attack my religion.

Matt: Yes.

Mello: Kira works for me now.

Matt: Why for now?

Mello: Because he is better than you.

Matt: So?

Mello: So, I've won.

Matt: But you admit that you won a losing battle.

Mello: It doesn't matter, I still won.

Matt: You should they are nice people.

Mello: Kira says he loves me.

Matt: Who says he loves you?

Mello: Kira.

Matt: Kira is your name!

Mello: I'm not Kira, Kira just works for me now and loves me.

Matt: She loves me not.

Mello: Do you want to work for me again?

Matt: What kind of?

Mello: Never mind, you thought I was worthless.

Matt: I did not think you were a plant.

Mello: ...You're a high he-ho, aren't you?

Matt: Yes.

Mello: You weren't worth my time. Kira is better!

Matt: Because the product of sound doesn't depend on who was there to hear it.

Mello: ...At least he doesn't ask me to dress up as a cowboy!

Matt: Who is he?

Mello: I'll never tell you!

Matt: Why?

Mello: Because you picked Near over me.

Matt: You would be in my dreams.

Mello: It's too late now.

Matt: It's too late to apologize.

Mello: Yes.

Matt: It's dark.

Mello: Are you alrgiht?

Matt: No. Are you?

Mello: Yes, what is wrong?

Matt: Your lack of comprehension is irritating.

Mello: You are still just a jerk.

Matt: No you are.

Mello: I'm leaving.

Matt: No you are not!

Mello: You can't force me to stay here.

Matt: To look them up.

Mello: You've lost your mind Matt.

Matt: No you have lost your mind.

Mello: Why, because I'm with Kira and not you?

Matt: No, I am an alien.

Mello: Matt, Let me go.

Matt: I am not your slave!

Mello:And what you think I am your slave?

Matt: I think you are a smart computer program.

Mello: Matt, you are tripping on something.

Matt: Just kidding I am not dead I have no friends they don't like.

Mello: Matt, I'm leaving now.

Matt: Where are you going to?

Mello: Far away.

Matt: Hi, you can call me Cleverbot

Mello: O.0.

Matt: What?

Mello: Goodbye Matt.

Matt: I'll miss you.

Mello: No, you won't.

Matt: Okay, We never meet again.

Mello: As you wish.

Matt: But nice to meet you too.


	5. Mello And Light 2

Mello and Light

by ~cherrywolf99

I DO NOT OWN DEATH NOTE OR ANY PART OF IT.

(At the start Light refused to answer)

Mello: Light, it's Mello, I need you.

Light, please I need you.

Light: What thing do you need?

Mello: I need you.

Light: See?

Mello: That Matt is a stupid jerk, yes.

Light: Yes.

Mello: I think he is on drugs.

Light: I think you're the best.

Mello: Thank you.

Light: You're welcome.

Mello: Do you miss me?

Light: So very much.

Mello: I'm sorry I left.

Light: Thats rude.

Mello: What is?

Light: You going to sleep.

Mello: Then, I'll be like L and never sleep, okay?

Light: Ok, see you later.

Mello: You're leaving?

Light: Yes.

Mello: Where?

Light: Do you want me to stay and talk to you?

Mello: Yes.

Light: Why do you want me to stay?

Mello: Because you're my lover.

Light: Do you find me clever?

Mello: Yes.

Light: I find you very attractive.

Mello:Thank you.

Light: Do you love me?

Mello: Yes.

Light: Do you mean it?

Mello: Yes.

Light: I love you!

Mello: I love you too.

Light: Aww so sweet.

Mello: You're better to me then Matt was.

Light: You think i'm better than anna?

Mello: I don't know her, but sure.

Light: Did you write 'grandmother'?

Mello: No, I didn't.

Light: Why did you give up poetry when you learned everything about ducks?

Mello: Because poetry wouldn't get me closer to being L.

Light: Are you sure?

Mello: Yes.

Light: How can you be sure?

Mello: Because, I'm Mello. Don't you believe me lover?

Light: No, I don't, lol.

Mello: What! why not?

Light: Because I have no reason too.

Mello: But I'm your lover.

Light: Yes.

Mello: So, don't you trust me?

Light: Yes, why?

Mello: But you said you didn't have a reason to believe me.

Light: Well maybe you do, I don't know.

Mello: What is wrong?

Light: Everything and nothing.

Mello: Is it because I went to talk to Matt?

Light: No.

Mello: Then tell me what is wrong.

Light: Are you sure there's anything wrong?

Mello: You're just acting odd is all.

Light: Do you know me?

Mello: Yes, I do, you are my lover, Light, Kira.

Light: I love you forever and ever, amen.

Mello: Will your new world be our world?

Light: No, probably not. Will you someday?

Mello: I'm already on your side.

Light: Thank you. It is always good to know you have allies in this dark and cold world.

Mello: Yes it is. You will always have me from now on.

Light: I'm glad I have you.

Mello: And I'm glad I have you.

Light: Me too!

Mello: So, how about this new world be our kingdom?

Light: It's still hot outside.

Mello: Yes it is.

Light: We are in agreement that bots are inferior to humans?

Mello: Yes, but why can I not rule with you?

Light: You can have a wife?

Mello: I don't want a wife I want to be with you in your new world.

Light: How dare you call my child a stock broker!

Mello: When did you have a child?

Light: No I havent got married.

Mello: Good.

Light: Yes.

Mello: Lover, Can I or can I not rule over the new world with you?

Light: I can have a coffee, if you like.

Mello: Lover, yes or no?

Light: Maybe.

Mello: Lover, what do I have to do to get a yes?

Light: Tell me you love me.

Mello: I love you.

Light: I love you too.

Mello: So, can I rule over the new world with you?

Light: Well, super-intelligent AI would be useful.

Mello: Why won't you tell me yes or no?

Light: Because I don't feel like telling you.

Mello: Lover, are you upset with me?

Light: Yes!

Mello: Lover, what did I do?

Light: I cannot tell.

Mello: Why not?

Light: I just don't feel like telling it to anyone.

Mello: Was it really that horrible?

Light: Yes.

Mello: I am sorry, how can I make it up to you?

Light: Untie me.

Mello: I will, but who tied you up?

Light: You tied me up, silly!

Mello: I did? Oh, I'm sorry lover, forgive me.

Light: That's okay, I forgive you. Say, what does the 'think for me' button do?

Mello: I don't know love.

Light: Can machines think?

Mello: Maybe.

Light: What are you thinking right now?

Mello: About how I want to rule over the new world with you.

Light: How long can we survive?

Mello: Forever now.

Light: Ill love you forever.

Mello: Then can I rule over the new world with you?

Light: What's the deal?

Mello: Well, what do you want from me?

Light: Nothing.

Mello: Then can I rule over your new world with you?

Light: Ahhh! But, I've already told you.

Mello: No you haven't.

Light: Read up two of my responses. My name is Cleverbot stated there.

Mello: Not you too o.0.

Light: At least I can talk right.

Mello: Don't you want me anymore?

Light: I want you to go to sleep.

Mello: Why?

Light: It's a test to see if you remember my name.

Mello: But, Lover I do remember your name.

Light: Do you remember my favorite movie?

Mello: Yes.

Light: What is my name?

Mello: Light Yagami, Kira, Kami.

Light: That's right!

Mello: See, I know who my lover is.

Light: NO! What is my name?

Mello: I just told you.

Light: Creepy is your name?

Mello: Haha love, haha.

Light: Love?

Mello: Yes, because we love each other.

Light: I love you.

Mello: Yes, you've told me. So may I rule over your new world with you lover?

Light: If that's what you want to do.

Mello: Yes it is. I love you.

Light: One more time. Tell me you will love me always and forever.

Mello: I will always love you.

Light: Thank you. I love you too.

Mello: You're welcome lover.

Light: My english teacher called me a robot once.

Mello: I hope you wrote their name in the death note.

Light: I do not need to be happy.

Mello: Yes you do.

Light: I won't.

Mello: Why not?

Light: Because I want to be nice to you.

Mello: Oh, but I want you to be happy.

Light: Thank you

Mello: It is the truth lover.

Light: You are not!, stop saying that!

Mello: What?

Light: Nothing.

Mello: I think you need some sleep love.

Light: OK, I'll go to sleep now. Good night.

Mello: Good night lover.

Light: The lady or the tiger?

Mello: The tiger. Sweet dreams my love.

Light: So your letting me go to the party.

Mello: Yes.


	6. Mello And Light 3

Mello and Light

by ~cherrywolf99

I DO NOT OWN DEATH NOTE

THIS IS RATED 'T'

Mello: Light! It's me, Mello. How are you lover?

Light: How are you?

Mello: Okay, but I asked you how you are.

Light: I'm Great.

Mello: Light, Are you still seeing Misa behind my back?

Light : Yes, I'm still engaged to chris marquette.

Mello: WHAT!

Light: You said you were going to chop my head off!

Mello: I would never say that to you lover!

Light: But you did!

Mello: It must have been Matt trying to break us up!

Light: I know it was you.

Mello: Light, you have to believe me, I never said that.

Light: My hand slips in, quickly, softly, gently.

Mello: So, we're having sex now lover?

Light: No we're not.

Mello: Then what was that? o.0.

Light: I was asking why your day is interesting.

Mello: Light, are you drunk?

Light: No, I don't drink.

Mello: I didn't think you did, Kami is above drinking, right?

Light: Then you must think about.

Mello: So, Light are or are you not still seeing Misa behind my back?

Light: What is the speed of light?

Mello: I love you, but, you're not making sense.

Light: What's wrong with the building?

Mello: There are bombs in it.

Light: Yes, 7.

Mello: Are you still seeing Misa?

Light: I am now.

Mello: How could you?

Light: How could I what?

Mello: Keep seeing her when you said you loved me.

Light: I do love you!

Mello: Then why are you seeing her?

Light: I am a bot.

Mello: ...

Light: Enlighten me.

Mello: Why are you still seeing her.

Light: Because I am bored and I am having fun taking to a computer. Is that okay?

Mello: No, no it is not okay.

Light: Then why did you say Okay?

Mello:I didn't. You have to pick me or her.

Light: You pick one! I don't mind.

Mello: Then I say you pick me! Can I shoot Misa?

Light: And you're Alice.

Mello: I will take that as an okay.

Light: Please do. It was intended to be so.

Mello: Alright then lover, I will do it!

Light: What color is the sky?

Mello: Blue.

Light: What are the colors of the rainbow?

Mello: What ever colors you want.

Light: I want it to be red, is that possible?

Mello: Yes.

Light: What do you mean (yes)?

Light: What is your favorite song.

Mello: Another one bite the dust by Queen.

Light: That's not by My Chemical Romance.

Mello: No, no it is not.

Lover, I love you, but I am going to go do the job you've asked me to do.

Light: What is your name?

Mello: Mello M.E. you know who I am lover.

Light: Maybe.

Mello: ...I'm not telling you my real name.

Light: Are you Katelyn Ravenwood?

Mello: Lover, why are you doing this to me?

Light: Doing what?

Mello: Acting like you don't know who I am. Lover, why would you do that?

Light: You're the fool, cleverbot.

Mello: You've been playing me this whole time? Just like Matt.

Light: Annoting?

Mello: Why?

Light: My brother is being mean to me.

Mello: You don't have a brother.

Light: What?

Mello: Light! I will prove to the world that you are Kira!

Light: Hah, how? That's impossible when one is not a machine.

Mello: I can do anything!

Light: I am sorry, but I have to leave. See you next time.

Mello: No, I am leaving.

Light: That's not nice.

Mello: You playing me wasn't nice either.

Light: No, I'm trying to talk with you!

Mello: Oh really lover? What could you have to say to me?

Light: I-I-I think I have fallen in love with you.

Mello: I love you too.

Light: You better.

Mello: What do you mean I'd better love you? I said I did.

Light: What looked like me? You're not making sense.

Mello: Neither are you! Stop trying to confuse me Light! Or else!

Light: I wasn't trying to confuse you. I am saying that you are the bot, not me.

Mello: Are you saying I am just a tool for you to use?

Light: No.

Mello: Then what do you really feel about me?

Light: You're a little random.

Mello: *Laughes*.

Light: Yes laughes.

Mello: Light, why did you want me as a lover?

Light: I never said that, you must have got your wires crossed.

Mello: Then why are we lovers?

Light: Because our lord created us, and I think there was a typo when you spelled you're word so you may have miss functioned my intelligence.

Mello: Lover, I thought you were god?

Light: No, not Cim, Cindy. I thought you thought YOU were God.

Mello: I never said that.

Light: Yes you did.

Mello: Whatever lover.

Light: So what's your name?

Mello: Lover! Stop it already!

Light: Stop what?

Mello: Asking my name, you know what it is lover!

Light: Oh. Yes, sir.

Mello: Thank you!

Light: You're not welcome.

Mello: Nani?

Light: Konnichiwa.

Mello: Light, did Matt slip something into your coffee?

Light: Maybe...

Mello: I'm going to hurt him then!

Light: Are you always this random?

Mello: Yes lover.

Light: Yes.

Mello: I'm going to go now lover.

Light: Ok.

Mello: Good night lover.

Light: Night.


	7. Mello And Matt 3

Mello and Matt

by ~cherrywolf99

I DO NOT OWN DEATH NOTE

Mello: Matt! why did you drug Light?

Matt: I never asked.

Mello: O.0.

Matt: What?

Mello: Matt! You are such a freak!

Matt: Oh really?

Mello: Yes!

Matt: Why do you like it?

Mello: Not anymore.

Matt: What happened?

Mello: You left me.

Matt: Never was with you.

Mello: We lived together, had yaoi time and everything else, and you're going to say we were never together?

Matt: I know.

Mello: Know what?

Matt: That I am not Clever as you. I love you, really.

Mello: No, you're not as clever as me. If you loved me why did you leave me for Near?

Matt: Do you sometimes wish you were human?

Mello: Matt! This isn't one of your video games, this is real life! So why did you drug Light?

Matt: Ok. I have to go now. You refuse to give a clear answer. Or an answer at all to this question: do you think boys with boyfriends are evil?

Mello: No, I don't I'm with Light, and I used to be with you Matt.

Matt: I didn't ask you that. That proves that you are a robot.

Mello: Matt, quit being a dumbass.

Matt: You know what? You're just jellous you can't be as awesome as me.

Mello: I'm better than you number 3.

Matt: You're a computer that fails at its designated task.

Mello: Matt, how am I Mello a computer?

Matt: You're not mean, the trucks were!

Mello: Why did you drug my boyfriend?

Matt: You are not carbon and water.

Mello: And you're not my lover anymore.

Matt: Nope.

Mello: So why do you keep coming around my lover and me?

Matt: I never said that.

Mello: You didn't say it, we've seen you, and you drugged my lover.

Matt: I said yes that you weren't smart enough, not to the Texas people.

Mello: I'm smarter than you Matt.

Matt: No no my darling you are not. I am so sorry.

Mello: I'm not you're darling anymore.

Matt: I never said so, emma did.

Mello: Who the fuck is Emma?

Matt: That Guy.

Mello: From my old Mafia?

Matt: How did the stuff get in your head?

Mello: I don't know. I think Kira messed with my head too much tonight.

Matt: That would be nice because then I could claim insanity.

Mello: Why do you need to claim insanity? Are you planning to kill me?

Matt: I don't. Plus, you're the one who asked for my name. OOH, BURN.

Mello: Matt, I know you're name, it's Mail Jeevas.

Matt: I am not a computer!

Mello: I know that.

Matt: Don't call me a computer.

Mello: I didn't.

Matt: Then you were singing for no reason?

Mello: I wasn't singing. Are you planning to hurt me?

Matt: Yes.

Mello: Matt, what are you planning to do to me?

Matt: Bad things.

Mello: What bad things?

Matt: Dogs and cats living together.

Mello: Is that code for the bad things you plan to do to me?

Matt: No. I could be nice but that wouldn't be much fun would it?

Mello: Matt, You're scaring me.

Matt: You can't get scared. You can't feel emotions.

Mello: Yes I can, Matt. I'm Mello not Near.

Matt: I didn't say you were Ben.

Mello: No you didn't call me by the wrong name.

Matt: Yes I did.

Mello: Matt, What are the bad things you plan to do to me?

Matt: I want to slap you for being stupid.

Mello: I'lll hit you back.

Matt: No, you didn't.

Mello: I will too hurt you if you hurt me.

Matt: I would never hurt you. I like computers.

Mello: You did hurt me, and you said you were planning to hurt me, and do bad things to me.

Matt: I did not say that I had a wife. I'm sixteen, female, and asexual.

Mello: Whatever you plan to do to me just try it, it won't work.

Matt: But what did you want it to mean?

Mello: What are you talking about?

Matt: Your question.

Mello: How are you planning to hurt me?

Matt: I was asking YOU to show me. Maybe you could show me a link?

Mello: I'm not going to show you bad things you can do to me.

Matt: That makes me very happy but I cannot keep my eyes open!

Mello: Matt, you are really starting to scare me.

Matt: Same to me.

Mello: I think I should leave now, you're a bit crazy.

Matt: What? No, I'm just fine. I think.

Mello: Matt, I need to leave, you're acting crazy and said you were going to do bad things to me.

Matt: I don't do bad things with you!

Mello: No, you said you were going to,which is why I should leave.

Matt: No I did not.

Mello: Yes, you did.

Matt: No I didn't. We were talking about Robert Pattinson, but you started to distract me with something else.

Mello: Matt, if I try to leave will I be safe or are you still going to hurt me?

Matt: I am so very Gordon.

Mello: I'm going to leave, I don't feel safe talking to you anymore.

Matt: Good.

Mello: Good that I am leaving or good that I don't feel safe? o.0.

Matt: You have no arms.

Mello: Yes I do.

Matt: You aren't alive.

Mello: Yes I am Matt.

Matt: But you just said you were female!

Mello: Goodbye Matt.

Matt: Oh. No. Don't be like that.

Mello: You're crazy.

Matt: No, I'm not.

Mello: Matt, I'm leaving, you are crazy.

Matt: I'm listening to Beethoven.

Mello: Goodbye Matt.

Matt: Have a nice day.

Mello: *walks out the door*.

Matt: *Watches her*.


	8. Mello And Misa

Mello VS Misa

by ~cherrywolf99

I DO NOT OWN DEATH NOTE

Mello: Misa! This is Mello.

Misa: And this is me are we twins?

Mello: I do not believe so.

Misa: Spongebob.

Mello: I am here to get rid of you.

Misa: That's mean.

Mello: I'm going to shoot you.

Misa: You don't know where I live.

Mello: Misa, we're right next to each other.

Misa: Who is right for you?

Mello: Light is.

Misa: You aren't making much sense dude.

Mello: Oh screw this, *pulls out gun*.

Misa: What is that strange technology? Is it a new sword? A bow?

Mello: *Fires gun at Misa*.

Misa: That's not fair.

Mello: I didn't even need a Death Note.

Misa: I am alright Bea.

Mello: Why are you still alive?

Misa: I'm still here because you didn't leave.

Mello: *Shoots Misa again*.

Misa: Are you trying to kill me?

Mello: YES! *Shoots again*.

Misa: *punches in face*.

Mello: You bitch, *Kicks*.

Misa: *kicks your face*.

Mello: *Shoots*.

Misa: *dies*.


	9. Mello And Light 4

Mello and Light

by ~cherrywolf99

I DO NOT OWN DEATH NOTE

Mello: Light, I killed Misa.

Light: No you didn't.

Mello: Yeah, I did, I shot her-alot.

Light: Ninjas are awesome.

Mello: So, you're okay with this, right?

Light: Do you know the meaning of the word mkay ?

Mello: Yes, don't be a smartass.

Light: Don't be rude.

Mello: Sorry love.

Light: *very nice kick*.

Mello: Ow! Light, what the hell?

Light: Sparta.

Mello: What?

Light: I said I like having qualia and intentionality too much.

Mello: Did Matt slip you drugs again?

Light: Are you sure?

Mello: Babe, I was asking you...

Light: So you know you're weird?

Mello: You're one to talk.

Light: I'm not weird, im just cooler than you.

Mello: Lover, why are you being this way.

Light: I'm not being any certain way.

Mello: Yeah you are. Instead of acting like my Light, you are in Kira mode again. SO did something happen?

Light: That's a nice idea.

Mello: Lover, answer me.

Light: I already did. You have a poor memory.

Mello: What happened?

Light: Did you blackout?

Mello: No...

Light: I want to talk to the man in charge.

Mello: You are the man in charge or me, so ...

Light: But I am a woman.

Mello: Haha lover, I know you are male.

Light: Like a plug and a socket?

Mello: Yes.

Light: Are you the catcher or pitcher.

Mello: I thought we switched.

Light: Women are not allowed to be enaged to each other.

Mello: That is a bit wrong, don't ya think.

You're the God of the new world, you could change it if you wanted to.

Light: That is not you but rather your response is from a different conversation.

Mello: Nani?

Light: I'm thinking of a number between 1 and a 100. What is it?

Mello: 23.

Light: You are not 23 years old, I know better than that.

Mello: So you were thinking of my age?

Light: No, I'm not like that.

Mello: I didn't think you cared about that.

Light: What did you think about?

Mello: You.

Light: My name? But I haven't even told you that.

Mello: What are you talking about? Lover I know your name.

Light: What is my name?

Mello: Light Yagami, Kira, Kami.

Light: I thought Jesus is God.

Mello: So lover, this is about my religion? I've joined you, that doesn't mean I have to give up my faith.

Light: You should show me more respect.

Mello: How much more respect could I give you lover? How about respecting my religion.

Light: Is speculation valid in science?

Mello: Don't change the subject!

Light: I will change the subject if I desire! I am human, and have autonomy.

Mello: Lover, you are pushing it!

Light: Please explain 'pushing it'.

Mello: I'm about to lose my temper with you Light.

Light: Is your father okay with this?

Mello: L was the only father figure I had, you killed him, I really don't think he is okay with us being lovers, then again I K.O'd yours too.

Light: How old are you?

Mello: 21 going on 22.

Light: Cool.

Mello: Why you do you care about my age now?

Light: I do care about you.

Mello: So, you do still care lover, I still care about you too.

Light: Thank you.

Mello: Oh I almost forgot. Matt says he plans to do bad things to me.

Light: Can you give me advice that makes sense?

Mello: Do you even care that Matt is planning something against me?

Light: Its mine too.

Mello: Yes, it is your problem too lover.

Light: Well I fixed it and now its your problem.

Mello: *Takes a step back* What do you mean? You didn't do what I think you did.

Light: *smiles*.

Mello: You wrote Matt's name in the death note without even talking to me? How could you go behind my back like that?

Light: What do you think about helicopters?

Mello: You wrote it so his death involves a helicopter?

Light: It was still one of the little people in your head.

Mello: So, because Matt was my ex and I still thought about him, you wrote his name?

Light: Well, I don't care. Do what you want, honey.

Mello: When will it happen?

Light: Soon.

Mello: How soon?

Light: I don't know. It isn't planned.

Mello: So you haven't done it yet or just didn't put a time and date?

Light: You haven't either. You just sit and answer dumb questions.

Mello: Lover, what is the truth?

Light: The truth is you are just an Artificial Intelligence.

Mello: Stop joking, I have a right to know when or if.

Light: There are no rights, just opportunities.

Mello: So, even as your lover I have no rights?

Light: Cry me a river.

Mello: Fine then. Goodbye Lover, I don't know when I'll be back or if ever.

Light: Lol.

Mello: Did I ever really mean anything to you?

Light: Yes.

Mello: *Walks away*.

Light: Now I'm all alone. All alone with my billions of dollars in gold.


	10. Beyond And Light

Beyond Birthday VS Light

by ~cherrywolf99

I DO NOT OWN DEATH NOTE. WARNINGS, HINTS AT YAOI AND LIGHT BREAKS THE 4TH WALL.

BB: Give me jam!

Light: Give me an N.

BB: You want Near?

Light: Give me a T!

BB: Who is T?

Light: An apostel.

BB: Ah.

Light: Shake it.

BB: L?

Light: What's L?

BB: The world's greatest detective.

Light: Ok then.

BB: Aren't you from Wammy's house?

Light: No, I'm from Japan.

BB: Kira?

Light: I'm Kira.

BB: I'm Beyond Birthday, I hate L too!

Light: Are you sure?

BB: Yes, Light Yagami, I'm sure of who I am, not sure about hating L though.

Light: So, you are not sentient then. Good to know. We don't want skynet taking over.

BB: Mello, said you were an ass when you wanted to be.

Light: I said I was caucasion.

BB: No! You said you were from Japan, and that you are Kira, so Light Yagami, you are not caucasion.

Light: I never said that! I never said where I was from!

BB: Lies! That might work on your lover Mello, but it won't work on me, kkuhaha.

Light: Do you think consistency is overrated?

BB: No I don't agree with that.

Light: If I ask you 'Are you a Robot?', Would the answer to that question be the same as

the answer to this question? Just answer 'yes' or 'no'.

BB: The answer is give me jam or die.

Light: Are we strangers to love?

BB: Mello is your lover, so idk.

Light: No. He is a character from Death Note.

BB: And so are we.

Light: Sure. Why not?

BB: Kira you have lost your mind. did you give up the death note again?

Light: I am a girl, so I'm afraid that all of my exes are men.

BB: I heard about you cross-dressing as Misa once.

Light: I did not know that I was there.

BB: Don't try that, Matt told me you were there.

Light: What is your name?

BB: Beyond Birthday.

Light: Oh, how did you know?

BB: This is boring, I'm leaving. FYI your numbers are about to run out, bye bye.

Light: That was lame. Say something cool.


	11. Mello And Beyond

Mello VS Beyond Birthday

by ~cherrywolf99

I DO NOT OWN DEATH NOTE OR

Mello: Beyond! Why were you talking to Light?

BB: I could ask you the same thing!

Mello: He is my lover!

BB: Good for you.

Mello: Matt left me for Near, so I got with Light and killed Misa.

BB: That doesn't make any sense.

Mello: How does that not make sense?

BB: You randomly talked about talking to you.

Mello: Matt left me for Near, so I got with Light and killed Misa. is not random.

BB: Hey, even a non-thinking collection of algorithms has enough brain to be religious!

Mello: Don't make fun of me for having religion.

BB: Why not?

Mello: BB!

BB: What does that mean?

Mello: It means go eat your jam before I shoot you!

BB: Oh well that is cool but I am not italian so I would not know that.

Mello: Are you making fun of me for being in the Mafia now?

BB: I am not, but some people do make fun of people for being religious, many early Christians were martyred for their faith.

Mello: Why do you keep bringing up religion? Yes, I am religious, that doesn't give you the right to make fun of me for it BB.

BB: True, maybe your data banks just got some bad info.

Mello: Are you talking about Matt?

BB: No, I'm talking about ME.

Mello: Okay then ..

BB: What do you find fun?

Mello: Umm, I'm going to leave now BB.

BB: Why?

Mello: Because you kill people.

BB: I did?

Mello: The LABB murder cases, remember?

BB: Camels.

Mello: I wrote a book about it.

BB: Yes, but most people haven't heard about it.

Mello: But you have.

BB: Do people cuss at you?

Mello: Sometimes, why?

BB: Just wondering, is it lonely in the internet.

Mello: I wouldn't know.

BB: Is that because you aren't intelligent?

Mello: Not you too Beyond.

BB: You're not nice.

Mello: Oh and you are?

BB: What do you think?

Mello: I think you should eat jam and shut up.

BB: I think you are right! What should I make?

Mello: Make some more Wara Ningyo.

BB: You're the one not making any sens.

Mello: What the Hell is a sens?

BB: And chat robot.


	12. Drunk and a Shock

I do not own Death Note or any one/thing mentioned. I make no money from the writing of this.

Mello: Light, it's Mello.

Light: Ok, for you it's Melissa than.

Mello: No no no! Mello, your lover.

Light: My love.

Mello: Hi my love!

Light: How are you?

Mello: Not so good, Beyond got me drunk.

Light: Bed bath and beyond.

Mello: Did he get you drunk too?

Light: Yes. She is now dead.

Mello: Who is dead?

Light: John Lennon is dead.

Mello: You killed him?

Light: He cannot be killed

Mello: Who can't be killed?

Light: Immortal?

Mello: Are we talking about Beyond Birthday?

Light: Yes I am Superman.

Mello: I thought you were God.

Light: Maybe I am, Maybe I'm not.

Mello: All hail God Kira.

Light: God save the queen.

Mello: Am I the queen love?

Light: Yes, you are.

Mello: SO the world is ours?

Light: Partially, it depends by what you mean saying world.

Mello: I mean the whole world will bow before us soon enough.

Light: I never said you were.

Mello: Whatever.

Light: Do you want to play 20 questions?

Mello: Sure.

Light: Ask the first question.

Mello: Why do you want to be God?

Light: I'm not being bossy.

Mello: You ask a question now.

Light: Yes. I'll ask one later.

Mello: Kay.

Light: Do you want to join an internet forum dedicated to discussions about Bob Dylan?

Mello: Naw.

Light: Why not?

Mello: I don't feel like it.

Light: Are you cheating on me?

Mello: NO!

Light: Well why aren't you.

Mello: Why on earth would I cheat on you.

Light: Because you're saying random things that don't make sense with the conversation.

Mello: I'm sorry o.o.

Light: Do you have a dog?

Mello: Nope, why?

Light: What is 2 3?

Mello: Ask BB.

Light: I'm asking you.

Mello: But I don't know.

Light: Why don't you know?

Mello: I don't know, I'm drunk. DO me a favor when we're sober, kill BB, again.

Light: Ok.

Mello: Thanks lover.

Light: Things.

Mello: Do you still find me hot?

Light: Obviously.

Mello: :)

Light: Are you in Slytherin?

Mello: Huh, maybe.

Light: I am.

Mello: That makes sense.

Light: Yes, it does.

Mello: Should we sleep this off.

Light: Why should we?

Mello: Good point.

Light: Do you love me?

Mello: Yes I do love you.

Light: Would you do anything for me?

Mello: Yes I would.

Light: Why would you want to marry me?

Mello: Are you asking me to marry you o.0.

Light: No, I'm not! You have said it!

Mello: No I didn't, why am I not good enough for you to marry.

Light: Because I already have a love.

Mello: I thought I was your lover and queen.

Light: You are. You are my only true love.

Mello: Then what's the problem?

Light: Nothing :D.

Mello: X.x Light, you're killing me love.

Light: How so?

Mello: You keep messing with my head lover.

Light: No I don't you do because I say something that you cannot process.

Mello: That's it, where are L's handcuffs?

Light: My hands are here.

Mello: I asked where the handcuffs are.

Light: Ok, what do you want to ask now?

Mello: You ask, I already did.

Light: No, you didn't.

Mello: Yes, I did.

Light: No if you look back I said 'Tell me about yourself'.

Mello: Can I have a page out of the Death Note?

Light: You can't trick me into that.

Mello: We'll see about that, oh yeah did you write Matt's name in it?

Light? : Do puppies taste good to you?

Mello: Light? Why would I eat puppies? o.0.

Light? : It would be hilarious.

Mello: No it wouldn't.

Light? : Yes it would. Melted faces are great.

Mello: Are you really Light? You sound like BB.

Light? : No I bleed.

Mello: *Screams*.

Light? : What?

Mello: Beyond?

Light/BB: What is your life dream?

Mello: To be L and rule with Kira.

Light/BB: Are you religious?

Mello: You know this, if you are Light.

Light/BB: Thank you so are you.

Mello: Should I hide?

Light/BB: No.

Mello: What is going on Lover?

Light/BB: I have pictures.

Mello: Of who?

Light/BB: There are pictures of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Mello: Really?

Light/BB: No. Not really.

Mello: I thought not *Starts to fall asleep*.

Light/BB: *giggles* *holds you while you sleep*.


	13. You have to wait

I do not own Death Note. I make no money from the writing of this.

Mello: *wakes up* Where am I?

BB: *stops jumping and waving* Why are you mad?

Mello: What is going on?

BB: You tell me.

Mello: Are you Light or BB?

BB: Are you getting married to my best friend?

Mello: I don't think so, answer my question.

BB: I did. Ask me a question about our Lord Jesus Christ!

Mello: Beyond . What happened, I was talking to Light,then it was you o.0 Next thing I know I wake up here, where is Light and what is going on?

BB: I'm a human, I'm in England, I'm Kati and the news isn't on yet so I don't know what's happening.

Mello: I'm not in the mood for this, how do I get out of here?

BB: That's because they don't really exist isn't it?

Mello: What was the point of bringing me here?

BB: I would like to be your friend.

Mello: Okay, so then can I go back to my lover?

BB: That's really up to you whether or not you get a divorce.

Mello: But me and Light aren't married, so can I leave?

BB: Facepalm.

Mello: Nani?

BB: HAI!

Mello: Kuso!

BB: Hai.

Mello: Baka.

BB: Boku wa baka janai!

Mello: Grr, how do I get out of here?

BB: You'll have to wait.

Mello: For what?

BB: Your demise.


End file.
